


Dawn of the Whoopingdinger

by ClassyNerd



Category: Penguins of Madagascar, Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies), Sherlock Holmes BBC TV, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Are we sane?, Humor, Insane humor, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-20 18:34:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3660843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClassyNerd/pseuds/ClassyNerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when you put a whoopingdinger, and all the characters (ok, not all but alot) from movies together? Chaos!<br/>Warning: if you read this you may not retain your sanity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Simone

On a dark stormy night, there was a creature wandering the woods who ate bubble berries and skunk cabbage. That day he had ran out of food, so he searched the area, but in vain. He searched and searched until a wind blew causing a tree to fall upon him, leaving a deep crevice in the earth. Pretty soon he came out of the crevice , coughing and sputtering dust. His name is . . . Simone, the Whoopingdinger.

Rain poured down in sheets, soaking him to the bone. His hair always turned turned green when droplets of water splashed upon him. Glowing green in the dark, he slowly trudged home. (Thus he never needed lanterns at night.) When he got to a point where he could see his home, poof! It was gone! And Groot was standing in it's place, loudly proclaiming, "I AM GROOT!"

"Where did you take my house, Groot?" Simone asked confused and troubled by the sight.

"I am Groot," he replied as a raccoon named Rocket walked into the clearing and stood beside him, wearing gear Simone had never seen in his life.

"Ooohhh I love raccoon's! proclaimed Simone, the whoopingdinger.

Then Rocket whipped out a gun and pointed it at him. "Fear us, for we know your weakness."

"My weakness?" Simone quavered, having never been assaulted before in his long life. Well, there was that one time someone threw salt on him; but that didn't count, did it?

"Yes! Bubble berries." Rocket growled as if it should have been obvious to anyone. Even nugs could figure that out.

"GROOT!" Groot agreed, apparently.

"Give me my bubble berries, or else I'll . . . run away!" He squirmed under their gaze slowly backing up.

Rocket just stood there, silent and confused, "Groot . . ." Rocket questioned.

"I AM GROOT!" Groot screamed, shaking the earth and causing the trees to waver. A strong wind blew as he screamed, and a humongous tree fell on them all with a loud thud! Dust flew upward as the grass got smooshed. 

"Groot . . ." Rocket mumbled, slightly ruffled.

"Phewy!" Simone exclaimed, "Second time this happened in an hour!" 

Horse hoofs pounded in the distance, and the earth trembled with each beat as it came closer. Out of the woods rode Gandalf, riding his white steed Shadowfax. "Who goes there! Friend or foe?" He asked.

"I AM GROOT!"

A wisp of blue light glimmered on Gandalf's staff as he lifted the tree off of their sore bodies. "Groot? Such an interesting name. But I smell something foul here."

"That would be my skunk cabbage . . ." answered Simone, as he crawled once more out of a crater.

"Oh dear. Something foul indeed. Where do you get this, oh, skunk cabbage?" He asked, curiosity flickering in his worn face.

"Well . . . um . . . it grows near the bubble berries on the bottom of the swamp. It's very hard to find," Simone chattered away, eyeing Rocket warily.

"Who eats bubble berries and skunk cabbage anyway?" Rocket grumbled, holding pieces of his shattered gun in his hands.

"I do!" Simone replied defensively.

Shadowfax snorted and shook his head in disgust. "I quite agree," Gandalf mumbled quietly in Shadowfax's ear.

Crack!

Everyone became still, for there was a great stirring in the forest.

"Run! Run you fools!" shouted Gandalf, "It will answer to me!" Turning his great steed about, he lifted up his staff and turned towards the trees that rustled in the wind.

"What's 'it'?" queried the raccoon, throwing the pieces of his gun aside.

"It will what?" said Simone wonderingly, then gasped as if in horror. "What happens if it swallows you whole?"

"I'll crawl out." Gandalf replied evenly. Never in his long life had he been afraid of being swallowed. It already happened a time or two.

As the noise grew louder they turned to run for their lives, but their legs would not budge. "Run!" Gandalf yelled again as he began to ride Shadowfax towards the trees. Simone let out a small squeak, he's eyes widened with fear. Finally Rocket pulled himself together and jerked on Simone and Groot, trying to get them to budge. Then suddenly the earth trembled, making them fall to their knees and cover their ears, the noise ascending ever higher. Groot stepped in front of Rocket, as if to protect him. Whatever it was, it was drawing near. The shadows played tricks with their eyes as they peered into the darkness, the rain still pouring upon them. Gandalf pulled back on Shadowfax, coming to stop in front of the darkness. "Whoever is there, reveal yourselves now!" He commanded.

Out of the forest came a symphony of voices: "I like to move it move it! I like to move it move it! You like to . . . MOVE IT!" Hundreds of small furry creatures danced into the clearing, not noticing Gandalf and the others staring in shock.

While this was happening, a big gust of wind came up from the ocean, making a dust devil swirl and toss the mini creatures to the side as it slammed Simone into a tree. He groaned wearily.  
(Later on they discovered he was a Ferguson, and they always had a run of bad luck. To which Rocket replied, "Bloody Ferguson's . . .")

Out of the lake splashed four penguins, one of which tripped over his own feet. The sky cleared and the sun shone in the distance, casting light on the penguins. 

"Private! Get up!" admonished Skipper, as he shook the water out of his feathers and observed the scene before them. Turning to Kowalski, he asked as Private crawled to his feet, "Status report?"

"We appear to have arrived at a great conclave with many creatures, with a ninety-nine percent chance of getting smashed by a tree."

"And-" Rico started running away, interrupting Skipper, "Rico! Come back here!" When he came back hanging his head, Skipper placed his hands on his hips, "Well boys, it looks like we'll need a way out of this mess. Fighting stance!" They all moved as one into their "fighting stance." Perhaps some would be scared of them . . . Maybe.

Now everyone was staring at them and even the furry creatures stopped their song as they crawled to their feet.

"Skipper, I have an idea . . ." Private whispered.

"Not now Private, can't have weird ideas right when our lives are on the line."

"But it's important!" he protested.

Skipper groaned, "Alright Private, what is it?"

"Well . . . Rico, give me a paper clip."

Rico coughed one up and tossed it to him, catching it he threw the paper clip into his mouth and promptly choked on it.


	2. Private's Plan?

Private stood grasping at his throat, gagging on the paper clip lodged within. "Now-" Skipper began to say; but right at that moment Legolas came swinging in on a vine and landed gracefully at the edge of the clearing. "I have a very brilliant plan . . ." he began. The forest stirred next to him as an ostrich squawked and ran towards him. Upon it's back rode the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow. THUMP! Legolas was trampled to the earth beneath it's claws.

"Who are you and why did you run me over with an overgrown emu?!?" sputtered Legolas as Gandalf reached down to help him up. Dirt covered his elegant clothing, his blond braid all askew.

"It's an ostrich!" Jack replied as he pulled it to a stop. "RAAK!" went the ostrich. "And what happened to your ears, sir pointy ears?"

"I am an elf," Legolas replied indignantly. "And why is your face painted? It's hideous." He kept his bow and arrow in hand, just in case if the ostrich trampled him again.

"You've never heard of me? I'm Capt'n Jack Sparrow!"

"No," Legolas replied, which produced a look of utter disappointment upon Jack's face.

"What is going on? Simone cried, lumbering over from where he'd been tossed.

"I don't know," Jack said. "But, what are you?" And truly, nothing like Simone had ever been seen in his voyages.

"Don't you know what I am? I'm a whoopingdinger!"   

"Never heard of them," Jack said flatly.

"They are a rare breed of wolf, cougar, and bear." Stated Skipper, about to give Private a hand up but letting him fall back down as he walked closer to them.

"Confirmed. And it appears trees love to try to give him a hug." Observed Kowalski, as another tree fell upon Simone.

"Oh, please! How many trees are going to hug me in one day!" His muffled voice came from beneath the tree. "I declare war on all trees but Groot!"

"Oh please, all this centamento is making me sick! Let's get some action here!" Rocket said, crossing his arms with a frown upon his face.

"Right then. Gibbs, I need you to fetch me a goat." Jack said as he jumped off the ostriches back. Gibbs stumbled out of the woods, breathing heavily. Leaning upon his knees, he looked a little bewildered at all the people and creatures gathered. 

"A-a goat? Are you going to make it eat all the trees?" Simone's muffled voice came from the tree again. 

"Of course not."

"Then what are you going to do?" Simone asked warily, his hopes dashed into pieces.

"It's going to get my ship out of this bottle," he said, pulling out a bottle that held the Black Pearl on stormy seas within. 

"Your . . . ship?"

"Yes . . . the Black Pearl." He spoke in a voice of awe. 

"How are you gonna get it out?" 

Jack rubs his hands together and smiles, "We're going to build a fire, sacrifice the goat, and drink rum."

"Jack . . . the rum's gone." Gibbs said, between heaving gasps for breath.

"Oh, well, go get some rum!" He said, putting the Black Pearl back in it's bag. 

"Jack! The rum is gone!" 

"But why is the rum gone?" He asked with a note of desperation in his voice, turning his wide eyes upon Gibbs.  

"I don't know!"

"The penguins!" Jack accused. 

"Go get Jack his rum." Gibbs commanded, standing straighter. 

"I AM GROOT!" Apparently Groot thought people needed to know that. 

"So, what's Private's plan?" Sherlock asked John, his hands behind his back and observing the scene unfolding before them.

"Well, he seems to be still recovering from swallowing the clip." John answered, hand on his chin.

Private finally stood up. The waves gently washed upon the sand they stood on.  

"What's your plan Private?" Skipper asked.

"Um . . . well I forgot what it was." He went into another coughing spree. 

"Bla, blablablabla!" Rico mumbled in a guttural tone to Private. 

Simone crawled out from beneath the tree, dust and bark clinging to his fur. Shaking his fur, it floated towards Legolas and his fine tunic. 

"Simone, why did you have to let the tree fall on you! You stirred up all the dust!" cried Legolas.

Balderdash.

"Your going to make me sneeze for the next twenty years, Simone!" Rocket added.

"I am Groot."

Then King Julian cried out, "Hey hey now, turn those frowns upside down! Maurice, hand me my hand, please!"

Maurice raised his bushy eyebrows and crossed his arms.

"Hand my my hand!" commanded King Julian. 

Maurice rolled his eyes and walked over, handing the skeletal arm to him.

"Now, where do we begin?" Julian said. 

"How about we go back into the woods?" Maurice asked, his eyes wide and hopeful. "It's dangerous here!"

"No! We must settle this first." King Julian said, waving "his" hand in the air. 

"Maybe, but danger is fun!" Jack stated, walking around making weird motions with his hands. 

"What are these foul creatures?" Gandalf queried as his trotted Shadowfax over to observe them more closely. Shadowfax tossed his head, his glossy mane shining in the early dawn.

"Lemures . . . furry little useless things." Legolas answered.

"I am King Julian, King of the Lemures. And you!" Julian points his "finger" at the group. "Are interrupting a very important meeting."

Meanwhile, the penguins stood upon the shore. Kowalski absently patted Private on the back when he would cough. The paper clip still didn't come out. 

"Groot, watch out!" Simone started. "Oh never mind. Too late." Groot had tripped and fell on Simone.

Then, all of a sudden, figures fell from the sky. They were small, yellow figures, making weird high pitched screams as they fell.

"Oh great, can I ever get away from these guys?" moaned Jack. He ran and jumped upon the ostrich's back. 

"What? What are they?" Simone asked in a muffled voice. 

"They're minions, and they want my rum!"

Everyone was frozen with fear. One of the yellow figures lands on the ground . . .

"Ka ga?"

The minions arose to their feet and started running towards Jack, who rode the ostrich  into the forest, yelling. Simone crawled out once again from under a tree, Groot finally standing up. 

"Oh great, we have another problem. It's snowing." He grumbled, shaking the twigs out of his fur. 

"It's beautiful, isn't it? How about some color. Yellow, no, not yellow. Brr! Am I right?" Olaf rambles as he comes out of the forest riding a reindeer. Everyone looked at the odd snow man, confusion written on their faces.

Simone shrieks, "It's alive!!!!" 

"Well, I think I'm alive. Anna! Where did you and Kristoff go?" 

"We ran away from a pirate riding an ostrich." Anna said as they too, stumbled out into the clearing. A storm began to gather overhead as Jack's yells faded in the distance. Then, all of a sudden Jack was thrown into the air and tossed back right into the clearing. Elsa came into the clearing holding the reins of the ostrich. It stepped on Jack, who moaned. Elsa snapped her fingers, freezing Jack, as she walked to where Anna and Kristoff stood. Minions (aka: the yellow creatures), ran back into the clearing, all yelling. 

"Gelato! Gelato! Gelato!" Jack was frozen in a prone position, his eyes wide.

"Elsa? Why did you freeze Jack?" Anna asked, walking over and poking him. 

"He was annoying me. But, Anna, how did you know his name?" Elsa asked.

"Well, when we were running from him, I saw some girl, elfy thingy, with a man's voice calling him that."

"I am no woman." Legolas responded angrily, his smile at Jack's helplessness now gone. 

The storm grew in intensity. Lightning thundered above them as a figure flew down in a swirl of dust. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what the minions were yelling:  
> Ka ga~A minion, when excited to join a beach party.   
> Gelato~Ice Cream.
> 
> Nug, the adventure continues!


	3. The Two Blondes

A great billowing of dust arose when Thor, clad in his mothers drapes, landed. As he landed he threw his hammer which just so happened to hit a tree and the tree fell on Simone.   
  
He groaned in pain. "Why . . . not again. Thank goodness my bones are made of rubber!"  
  
"Made of rubber? What sort of realm is this?" Thor said, his hammer flying back to his hand. The storm about them died with a final crack of thunder.  
  
"'Tis Madagascar!" King Julian proclaimed, waving his "hand" in the air.   
  
"No, this is Middle Earth," Legolas countered as Thor began to look confused.   
  
"Oh well, we're still in the middle of no where." Anna said.    
  
"Boys, looks like this situation has gotten from worse to disastrous." Skipper said as he put his flippers on his hips. That is, if penguins have hips . . .   
  
Elsa snapped her fingers, unleashing Jack Sparrow from his frozen state. He stood up. "Where's the-waa!" He yelled as he disappeared.  
  
"Where'd he go?" Rico asked, his head bobbing up and down.   
  
"I don't know," said Skipper as he walked to the place where Jack had been . . . then he too, disappeared with a whoosh!  
  
"SKIPPER!!!!!" cried the three penguins left without their Captain. They ran towards the place where he'd disappeared. Then, in a flash they were gone.   
  
"I do believe we have a problem." Legolas stated grimly.  
  
"Stand back everyone! I shall investigate this problem." Gandalf commanded.   
  
"Watson, the game is afoot!" Sherlock said excitedly, rubbing his hands together.   
  
"Sh-sherlock!" Watson protested as Sherlock dragged him to the spot. Once again, they disappeared.  
  
"Fools!" Gandalf yelled as he too, went through the hole. "Gandalf!" Legolas yelled as he ran after him and disappeared.  
  
"Well, we may as well all go through, because they should all be in the same place," said Anna.  
  
"But Anna, we do not know what's on the other side." Elsa worried her bottom lip.  
  
"I don't know about you guys, but this looks fun." Rocket said as he motioned to Groot to follow him to the spot where everyone disappeared. As expected, they disappeared.   
  
"Sooo . . . ?" asked Olaf, as he gestured with his hands.   
  
"So what? I'm going through." stated Kristoff. Sven shook his head in disagreement. Suddenly they all disappeared, arriving at a place that was black as night. The land of Mordor.  
  
"Well, this is a very weird place," stated Skipper as he helped his companions up.   
  
Lava gushed through the rocks, almost hitting Simone. "Trees and lava! What is with this!?" yelled Simone as he leaped backwards.  
  
"It is lava. Do not touch or you will be incinerated." Kowalski observed.     
  
"Oh heat! I love it!" Olaf squealed as he began to walk towards it. He reached out to touch it and caught his hand on fire. "Oh, but don't touch it," he added as he blew it out. "Here, let me," Elsa said as she healed his burnt hand. "This is definitely a lot worse than summer." Olaf said as he smiled gratefully at Elsa.  
  
"We have arrived at the foot of Mount Doom." Gandalf stated grimly.  
  
"We are doomed for baking!" Olaf cried, flailing his arms around as he ran in a circle. Anna reached out to still him, which made him fall down. "Oh, sorry," Anna apologized as she drew her hand back.   
  
"Well well, look what's arrived," Jack said, picking up a bottle of rum and looking at it. He smiled crookedly, revealing somewhat whitish teeth. "Give me your spoons, Gibbs."  
  
"But all the spoons are where we came from." protested Gibbs.  
  
"Don't question the sanity of the question, Gibbs! I need the spoons!"  
  
"I have a spoon," Olaf said, holding one out as he sat up.  
  
"But I need all the spoons!" Jack complained before he took a swig of the rum. Gibbs looked like he was about to protest, but he didn't say anything.  
  
"It's okay Olaf, you can give him your spoon." Anna said.  
  
"But but," Jack started. Kristoff interrupted Jack and asked, "What do you need the spoons for, Jack?"  
  
"For the goat."  
  
"The goat?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah, the goat."  
  
"Why the billy goat?" Anna asked curiously.  
  
"I did not say it was a billy goat."  
  
"We didn't get the goat, Jack." Gibbs said.  
  
"Oh . . . well, I still want the spoons." answered Jack.  
  
"Here. Here's my spoon." responded Olaf.  
  
"Thanks, Olaf." He set the rum down before he went to Olaf. He began to walk, when whoosh! Turning around slowly, he saw the rum had disappeared. "WHY'S THE RUM GONE?!?"  
  
"I have nooo clue," said Kristoff. Jack came to where it had been, but he didn't disappear. "No, no no! It's gone!" In the background they heard an evil laugh. Anna turned around and saw Hans. "So Hans, how did your brothers accept you after we sent you back?" Anna asked with a scowl as she crossed her arms. Hans looked at Anna. Anna was shocked because it turned out that Hans had an eye patch. "Ah, it's another pirate Captain! exclaimed Jack. "Have you seen my rum? Your not after my ship, are you?"  
  
"A ship?" exclaimed Olaf. "Oh, how I always wanted to have my own ship, sailing the world, go to warm islands . . ." Jack stabbed Olaf with his sword. "Haha, I've just been impaled." Jack was shocked senseless. But all of a sudden, everyone heard an explosion. "BOOM!" The ground shook and everyone fell on the ground, except for Groot of course, who locked his roots in the ground. "No more trees, please!" Simone pleaded. The land was dark, as one might expect it to be in Mordor.  
  
"Sherlock . . . what is that?" John asked, pointing at something that loomed above them. Sherlock peered into the darkness. He sniffed. "There's a slight smell . . cinnamon . . no . . . apples . . no. No! Whatever it is John, it could be dangerous. Prepare yourself!"  
  
"What is he do . . . OH NO! We're all gonna go insane! AAAAH . . ." cried Private as he watched Sherlock. He fell to the ground.   
  
"Shut up, your rambling is annoying me."   
  
Something bumped Simone. He squealed and jumped in the air. "What is it?!? Get it off me!!" There was a flash of gold, and all of a sudden a long golden rope fell to the ground next to them. Jack went up to it and felt it. "Hair?"  
  
Everybody was confused. Then, a person slid down the long rope and jumped to the ground. Jack caught quite an attractive woman in his arms with golden hair so fine it could be counted as silk. He looked shocked at her for a minute before setting her down.   
  
"Grooss!" said Skipper. "He's flirting!"  
  
Hans, instantly attracted to her went up and kissed her hand, and asked her name. Jack glared at him.   
  
"Caboom?" Rico asked hopefully.  
  
"No, let's just get out of here as soon as possible before this gets even worse." Skipper said with a disgusted face.  
  
"I can't believe that I'm agreeing, but let's try to find the portal and try to find the way back home where I can do illegal stuff again." said Rocket.  
  
"I am Groot," agreed Groot.  
  
"Sherlock, I don't understand all this," John said as he and Sherlock stood up.   
  
"Neither do I. What sent her here? A portal, such as we went through before? The plot thickens, John."  
  
"And where did these portals come from?"  
  
"If I knew I wouldn't be standing here."  
  
Another explosion sounded off in the distance. The sound was like cannon fire, followed by a series of more explosions.  
  
"I have a feeling that we aren't alone," Sherlock said. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They are not alone.

**Author's Note:**

> It does not make sense, and it was not intended too. My friends and I were just making it up one sentence at a time, taking turns at it. So, it turned out to be this. I kept trying to smash Simone with trees, but they kept bringing him back. **sigh** I guess I can't win.


End file.
